My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
Morbid Jokes
Parents: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Kid: "Why?" Parents: "So you don't get bored there."
There was a kidnapping, but he woke up.
My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."
So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. A face like yours belongs in a zoo. Don't worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, but laughing at YOU!
Q: What do Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They put meat on five-year-old buns.
Abortion is becoming more and more expensive these days. So visit Ammu-nation and pick up an Armsan RS-X1 tactical shotgun. It comes with a free box of ammo and a three year warranty. Buy now, pay later.
What's the difference between herpes and my dad?
Herpes stays around.
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? She will let it go.
My dad died, so I dug his grave. I was asked why I murdered him. I answered, "Guess we'll never know who did it because he dug his own grave." My father was William Afton.
Why don’t you get a book about how to commit suicide?
Because you won’t bring it back afterwards.
Q. What's a bulimic's favorite movie?
A. The Purge.
I hit a ball with a bat, it was called animal abuse.
Shut the f*ck up.
Don't you just hate when you have to eat cereal with water because your dad won't bring the fucking milk? Cause same.
Give a blind kid a torch and tell him it's a hairdryer.
Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?
"No."
Yeah, but then he woke up.
What’s an emo's favorite singer?
Slash.
Why’s it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice.
What do you call women's rights: A blank sheet of paper.
