Morbid jokes
My stepmom kicked me out of the house because I was raped and got pregnant. I kicked her to death because she had sex and gave birth to my rapist stepbrother.
My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."
Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!
I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately, it doesn't have a homepage.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.
I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."
A is for apple, B is for dyslexia—oh wait, no! That’s D!
A man and a boy are walking into a forest. It begins to get dark. The boy says "Mister, I'm scared." The man replies "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
There was a guy how had a stroke, eh.
He's all right.
Did you know Hellen Keller has a pool?
Neither did she.
Why did Steven Hawking die?
He lost Wi-Fi connection and didn't get the data plan.
Q: How come in airports, they park the planes outside?
A: They don't belong in buildings.
My favorite sex position is the McDonald's.
Ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' it!
What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me!"
Why is six afraid of seven?
Seven is a registered six-offender.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."
Your mum is so poor, she can't afford free samples.
Your mother.