Morbid jokes
What's black, white, and red?
A nun that fell down an elevator shaft.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?
Well, he’s all right now!
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
Apparently, describing the beautiful city of Hiroshima as "The bomb" is not okay.
What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?
There's brains all over the place.
I almost had a joke about Parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.
I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.
We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.
What was the last thing on the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
...
...
Their knees.
*Ba dum tss*
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
What did Hitler get for his 6th birthday?
A Kewpie burger and an Easy-Bake Oven.
In Saudi Arabia, our pick up lines are, "Girl, are you a terrorist? Cuz you da bomb."
What do you call it when Portericans surround your house?
A spicket fence!
Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?
Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.
How does the dog dance?
He doesn't... he's dead.
Head of Company: "We need to stop testing our products on animals."
Consultant: "Why? The shampoo companies do it."
Head of Company: "Yeah, but we make dildos."
Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."
Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."
Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."
Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."
I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.
What is the difference between the rook and the bishop? The rook goes straight, while the bishop moves diagonally.
Shaenaya is single, 16, and looking for a 30 year old man that can pleasure her, huh?