Morbid jokes

Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.

Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.

So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.

My girlfriend passed away recently.

At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.

Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: .....it...

Friend: No

Me: *smiles* GETS BEAT BY THE MISTRESS AND GETS SCOLDED BY THE MASTER!!!

Friend: Why are you like this?

Borthwick's hairline.

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."

A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little boy says, "That's my little red race car." 10 minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little girl says, "That's my little red race car garage."

So later that night the boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She says yes, and they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won't fit. Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs upstairs, flips on the lights, and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?" The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn't fit, so I cut the back wheels off."

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

A person had a child named Bl, another named Es, and one named S. The next was named You. They were a very unholy family.

Their children were shamed upon because their names spell out "Bless you."

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

What sayd the man to the woman??

Go to the kitchen lol.

Roses are red.

Grass is green.

I think of you sucking my peen.

At the back of Abraham Lincoln's mind, next to the bullet hole, he was thinking about how slavery is wrong.

What's sad and has no life? The person reading this.

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.

what do you call a lazy gay?

someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.

Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead.