Morbid jokes
Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday.
Friend: What were the tests about?
Me: Japan.
What does PEMDAS stand for?
Penis enters my dad and sister.
Bully: Ur Gay.
Me: I'M STRAIGHTER THAN THE LINE IN OSAMA BIN LADIN'S PLAN.
Bully: *runs away and hears crash*
My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.
I got mad at my sister's boyfriend, so I fucked his girl.
Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.
My grandpa died in 9/11. I was told his last words were "Allahu Akbar."
Roses are red.
Roses are red.
Roses are red.
I smell burnt toast.
When a white person says the n word,
black people: "Y'all mother fu...rs ain't gonna believe dis shit."
Why did the vegetable cross the road? He didn't, he just sat there.
I’m gonna kick some gum and chew some ass... but I’m all out of ass.
Pinto?
If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.
Them: You want some Lucky Harms?
Me: What are Lucky Harms?
Them: They're Lucky Charms, but instead of being magically delicious, they're magically malicious.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"
What's the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.
I made a website for orphans, but sadly it didn't have a home page.
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
At my sample place, I handed my wife a fork and I lost my job.
Puerto Rican teen: I'm a waste, a failure, NUNCA LO PODRA ASER (I'll never be able to do it).
The mother: AI NINO (OH CHILD).
The teen: QUE? (WHAT?)
The mother: NO TE PONGA CON ESTA MIELDA OTRAVES! (DON'T START WITH THIS SHIT AGAIN!)
The teen: I CAN'T DO SHIT RIGHT MAMA!
The mother: OOOHHH YEAH WELL TU SI PUEDES ABLAR MIELDA DE TI, I BOTAR BASURA! (YOU SURE CAN TALK CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF AND THROW OUT THE TRASH.)
The teen: QUAL (WHICH).
The mother: MADRE DE DIOS (MOTHER OF GOD).
The teen: AVIA UNA NEGRA I OTRA BLANKA (THERE WAS A BLACK ONE AND WHITE ONE).
*A phone buzzes.*
The teen: Whose phone is that, ma?
Unknown: MR. PRESIDENT IF YOU TAKE AWAY THE CONFEDERATE FLAG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THE BAD WHITE PEOPLE ARE?
*Runs to bag, opens white one and sticks hand in.*
The teen: HAIR GEL