Morbid jokes
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
What was the last thing to go through JFK's mind?
A bullet.
That moment when you realize you do not have a joke and someone ends up laughing at what you still wrote anyway.
What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?
"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"
"Bippidy boppidy boo! Bill Cosby is coming for you!"
When was the first Black Friday?
1619.
My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.
What is a necrophiliac's favorite band?
Coldplay.
I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
An Irish-man walks out of a bar.
A baby seal walks into a club...
Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.
Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.
Except my depression.
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
My wiener's small.
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
The Toaster, otherwise known as the ultimate bath bomb.
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
What's a lesbian's favorite sport? Dodgeball.
I woke up one night to a strange noise, and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents' room.
I looked inside and counted, ok one, two, three finger men and my mom, so nothing out of the ordinary, so then I checked my sister's room, and I counted 4 other women in the room, but then I realized that the sound was coming from right in front of me. It was my dad giving me a BJ the whole time.