Mom jokes

As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."

I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital." "Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

How do crabs honor their mom’s birthday? The shell-abrate.

Don't make Iran jokes. My mom died by a rocket launcher. She was the best sharp shooter in the Iranian army.

Why do orphans have water with their cereal? Because their dad or mom never came home with the milk.

Evan, this is Mya, and your mom told me you were adopted, so we are done. Bye, don’t talk to me.

I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.

My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."

The twin towers are just like my mom and dad, they went to work and never came back.

Your mom smells so bad she could stun a horse in a field.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your fat ass mom.

My mom's name is Angel, and she is nothing like one!

Especially in bed...

What do you call the worst joke ever?

Well, according to my mom, I am.

My mom loves balls.

But my dad has been gone for the last 4 years.

Mom: Hey son, what does "idk" and "idc" mean?

Son: I don’t know and I don’t care.

Mom: Excuse me?

Son: Oh, and by the way, Mom, what’s for dinner?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

Your mama is so skinny she can dodge raindrops.

Your mom.

Teacher: Little Johnny, why are you late again?

Little Johnny: I had to be there for the birth of our first mixed cow, the white cow fell on the mud! (The teacher faints)

My mom said you failed school. I said, "Don't be surprised, I'm a retard, Mom."

Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.

Mom: Witherspoon.

Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!