Misunderstanding jokes
Little Johnny saw his dad getting head from his mom. Johnny asked what they were doing, and mom stopped and said she was fixing his dad's pants. Little Johnny says, "That explains what the lady next door was doing."
I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.
I tried to tell an Armenian genocide joke in Istanbul.
Nobody got it.
Suicide is just freedom, life is just full of pain... Sometimes if you're gone maybe somebody might notice. Feels like life is a maze and the only way to leave is the exit. Nobody notices your pain, your suffering, and that you try your best though everyone notices your mistakes. Life just feels like everyone hates you. Life for me is just faking smiles, I'm not sure how everyone lives such a good life.
I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)
When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.
My wife said I have no sense of direction.
I said, "Where did that come from?"
Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.
She won't talk to me anymore.
One day, a father was showering, and his daughter ran into the bathroom while he was getting out and drying off.
The daughter curiously pointed to her father's penis and asked, "Daddy, when am I going to get one of those!?"
The father replied quickly, "In about 15 minutes, when your mother leaves for work."
I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.
Because obviously she doesnβt listen.
Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didnβt have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didnβt think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, βSo when will I die?β She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.
Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.
I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.
Person 1: Hi, I am Tom, and you?
Person 2: Andrew?
A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."
His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He says, "I was talking to the sheep."
Wife: "Did you notice that the child is actually not yours?"
Husband: "I've been suspecting this for a long time. Finally you admit it."
Wife: "What are you talking about? I asked you to pick up our child from the kindergarten. But the child you picked up is not ours!"
What did the short Chinese man say when he was called a dwarf? "Da fok yu sai tu meee."
The waiter asked me, "How would you like your steak?"
I replied, "As soon as possible!"
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.
So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.