Microwave jokes
How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?
Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.
What does Stephen Hawking put his food in? A microwave.
What's the resemblance between a microwave and human reproduction?
They both make a sound at the end.
How do you know a gay guy has been in your house?
There are speedos in the microwave.
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?
A baby in the microwave!
Microwave.
Have a sink in your house? Eat it.
Have a mouse in your house? Kill it.
Have a child in your house? MICROWAVE IT.
...just kidding. Now watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5tjtUFL0j4
I like my women like I like my microwaves.
Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.
Me: I know how to use a microwave!
Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!
How do you know when a rapper's been in the kitchen?
The microwave goes, "ding, ding!"
What does a rifle and a microwave have in common?
They both go "Ping" when they are done.
What did the rapper say to his microwave?
"Yo, heat it up, fam!"
+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.
+1 follower = 1 kid in my Microwave.
+1 Comet.
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.
Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.
Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.
Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.
Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.
Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.
Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.
Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.
I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.
Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.
Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.
Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.
Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.
Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.
Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.
Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.
Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.
Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.
I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.
Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.
Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.
Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
I made a joke about putting babies in the microwave and got told I was a disgusting person.
So from now on I’ll only make baby in the deep fryer jokes.
What is the difference between a puppy and a fork?
I don’t microwave forks.
It was 5:00 PM and I asked my sibling: "Can I have something to eat?"
He replied: "No, not until you tell me the alphabet."
So I said: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, Z."
Then my sibling asked me: "Where's the T?"
I replied: "It's in the microwave, you just need to dish it up."
Did you know the Bible has a passage about killing babies by smashing them against rocks?
That's probably because microwaves hadn't been invented yet.
What's the difference between anal rape and a microwave?
A microwave won't brown your meat.