ME jokes

Me: Yo mama so fat her alphabet starts with O.

My friend: What's that supposed to mean?

Me: O B C D.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

Me and my friend are walking, we see a kid. My friend asks him why he's crying and if he lost his parents. He said, "Yeah." I slapped my friend because we were at an orphanage.

I see my friends at school. They talk to me, they go back to class, but they forgot I am their classmate, and they were like, "You're a dumbie." And I was, "Well, you're a dumbass, bi***!"

You know, that I see my sister at home from school. She says everyone bullies me. I say, "Because you're a fat a**."

I took an hour-long shower. The German officers were looking at me kinda scared.

Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, he can't tell me.

Me and my friends jumped some orphans. Who will they tell? Their parents?

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.

My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.

Me: *Realizes*

Teacher: Why did you throw paper airplanes at the twin sisters?

Me: You wouldn't get it.

Your mama is so stupid.

Your dad said, "You're driving me crazy," so your mom handed him the keys and said, "You can drive."

Your mama is so fat and stupid. She got hit by a school bus. Her reply was, "Who threw that Twinkie at me?"

Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...

A piece of cake.

Please encourage me to do suicide! ;P

My friends told me to stop making suicide jokes, so I hanged on.

If you’ve got me, you want to share me; if you share me, you haven’t kept me. What am I?

I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?

My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.