ME jokes

What did the seal say to the shark?

"Are you seal-iously going to eat me?"

Bro, just imagine being named Brynley. Couldn't be me.

Me: How do you say yes in Spanish? You: Si. Me: Si if these nuts fit in your mouth.

My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.

She said help, so I kicked her.

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.

"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.

"Why?" I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

We were watching a 9/11 documentary in class.

I started playing the Angry Birds theme song. That didn't fly well with people, the teacher yelled at me like a bomb, and I landed on the ground.

Random: What are your hobbies?

Me: Bullying kids in WhatsApp groups 💀

Everyone: "Look, it's Superman!"

Me: "No, it's an emo."

Everyone: "Oh."

Who is yourself, and why do people keep telling me to kill him?

I walk into a bar. There was a line of people waiting to punch me. Yup. That was the punch line.

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

Two people stood in one room. The first guy stared at the second.

First guy: “Sorry I had to punch you. It was a game, bro.”

Second guy: “Between me and you talking, there’s almost no PUNCH line. Hah!”

What do youuuuuuuuuuu Oh f***, my mom is gonna kill me! My shit is stuck on the toilet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today there was a line to punch me.

Yeah, that was the punch line.

My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!

What did the plane say to the twin towers?

"Lmao, you twins don't know how to play Jenga. Here, let me show you how!" (BOOM) ;)

A man was walking home but felt tired, so took a short cut through the cemetery. He then heard a tap, tap, then out of the corner of his eye, he saw a man with a hammer hitting the tombstone. The man said, "You scared me. I thought you were a ghost." The other person mumbled, "They spelled my name wrong."

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.