ME jokes
There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."
John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"
Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"
John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."
Me: I been up all night, no sleep--
The lie detector I didn’t know I had: Lie.
Me: stfu! I’m just singing!
Lie detector: You literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!
Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!
Lie detector: It’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM... You get waken up at 7:00 AM... you only sleep two hours......
Me: why are Americans so good at rubix cubing? Friend: why? Me: they have a history of separating colors.
Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it, but when I use her body when I feel like it, I am the bad guy?
What did the beer can say to the other? "Open me, please!"
What did the coconut say to the other? "Crack!"
Why did the jalapeño cross the road? I got spicy!
Why did the hubcap cross the road? Crack!
Why jazz, Jr. Get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the tornado cross the road? Let’s spin again!
Why did the turkey get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the bunny get to the side of the road? Get furry!
What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?
Adopt Me!
I’m not funny! Please do not laugh at my jokes! But do check them out, they’re very unpredictable. Read them, do not laugh, they’re jokes, do not laugh at them!
Someone: hah- Me: NO DON’T YOU DARE!😠😠
Me: What do we need from there? I have a few things to do before I head out to the store, and then I will be home to pick up the stuff.
Random person: What stuff? 🤨
Me: What?
The person: You said you’re going to pick up “the stuff”!!! What do you mean by that?!
Me: Colourful flamingo fart.
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!
Me: Wanna play a game?
Sister: Ya, what is it?
Me: Tic tac toe.
Sister:?
Takes out knife and rolls up sleeve.
Me: Tic tac toe.
What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?
We're both blind.
If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)
One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.
Girl: I’m so in love with you!
Boy: Me too. I think you’re abcdefghijk: aesthetic, beautiful, cool, determined, elegant, famous, hot.
Girl: What’s the ijk?
Boy: I’m just kidding.
Yo mama's so fat, it took me two buses and a train to get to her good side.
What happened when a kid bullied an orphan?
The orphan said, "I’m going to tell my mom!"
Bully: "I wanna see your mom!"
Narrator: At that moment, he knew he messed up.
This was my friend's joke he wanted me to post;)
You can't see me, but when I smile, you can.
Me going to jail after telling the orphan he can't learn about ancient Egypt because he don't know what a mummy is.
For some reason a group of emo kids are following me because I gave them a Happy Meal.
Me die.