ME jokes

Cell

    • Today my biology teacher asked me what's commonly found in a cell......... And apparently "black people" isn't the right answer.

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    • Ugliness

    • I'm not saying I'm ugly...

    But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

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    • Job

    • I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

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    • Sh

    • Someone: Stop making jokes about sh!

    Me: Oh, sorry man, I'll cut it out, I'll cut it out deep!

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    • Wheelchair

    • My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

    Guess who came crawling back? Sadly, the hardest part to eat of the vegetable is the wheelchair.

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    • Drug

    • People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.

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    • Cop

    • Me: Ok so let's get this straight....

    Cop: I'm not straight ok, now get in the car.

    Me: But I didn't do anything?

    Cop: No.

    Me: So why are you arresting me then?

    Cop: Imma tell you a story.

    Me: Oh no.......

    Cop: I know, now come on.

    Me: Ok where?

    Cop: My room.

    Me: Which room?

    Cop: My bedroom.

    Me: 😱I'm a girl.

    Cop: So am I, now get in.

    Me: But I'm 9.

    Cop: I'm 59.

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    • Suicide

    • Me, calls the police*

    Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!

    Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.

    Me: Why, so you can then stop me?

    Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!

    Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!

    Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!

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    • Whale

    • "You momo joso fat, she went in the ocean and the whales came up to her and started singing, ""We Are Family"" even though you are father than me."

    Confessional

    • A Catholic gay male that is well-endowed goes to confession, and while he is inside the confessional booth, the Catholic priest is sucking his dick, and he says to the Catholic priest, "What are you doing, Father?"

    And the priest says, "It's called giving a blowjob."

    And the Catholic gay male says, "Why are you giving me a blowjob, Father, inside the confessional booth?"

    And the Catholic priest says, "If there was no glory hole in the confessional booth, my son, it would not be called a confessional booth in the first place."

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    • Orphan

    • (some kid crying because hes an orphan and kids are bulling him) teacher:HEY i was a orphan to so if you bully him your basicly trying to bully me too me:OOF teacher:now is somebody not here? me:your parents

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    • Girlfriend

    • My girlfriend is so stupid, she asked me if I wanted to shower with her to save money on our water bill, while we were staying at a hotel where we didn't even have to pay the water bill.

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    • Height

    • I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

    And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

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