ME jokes

Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."

Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.

Imagine this: You're at math class. The teacher asks you, "What's 11 * 11?" You say, "120." The teacher says, "Wrong!" You say, "How off was I?" The teacher says, "1."

Me rn: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WHERES THE RAGE TABLE or something like that.

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."

Baby: "Lmao, same"

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

Waitress: What can I get for you?

Me: I'll have a steak.

Waitress: How would you like it?

Me: Immediately!

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

What do me and an emo kid have in common:

We both like to hang.

Why is America bad at Clash of Clans?

Because they already lost two towers.

If being sexy was a crime, you can call me......... a law-abiding citizen.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

I will make a funny joke if you let me be your boyfriend. I'm 19 and I am Russian.

Knock knock. Who's there? It's the police... Who? It's the police, let me in so I can get some donuts!

I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.

In Saudi Arabia, there lived a man named Abdul.

Abdul rhymes with Azul, the Spanish word for blue.

And he probably be lookin' more blue than me.

(Bully) Boy, you ugly!

(Me) Boy, shut up, that's why your hairline start at the back of your head.