ME jokes

Someone asked me to go to hell, so I drove to my local middle school.

Son: What's for dinner tonight?

Mom: Steak!

Son: Mom, you know I only eat veggies, so what's for me?

Mom: HUNGER!

Kid 1: I like you! Do you like me?

Kid 2: No. You never asked if I love you!

Kid 1: Aw, do you love me?

Kid 2: No!

Everyone tells me I need to stop making prostitute jokes.

I guess they're whore-ible.

Her: "Land of the free".

Me: *fat*

Her: What do you mean?

Me: It's not fat-free.

Orphan: Asks you random joke. What is the difference between my boomerang and my parents?

Me: The boomerang came back.

I got suspended for asking an emo kid if he wants to hang out with me.

A teacher wanted to sing, so she did. This is what she said:

"You have no family, even though you're broker than me."

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.

Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."

Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.

Imagine this: You're at math class. The teacher asks you, "What's 11 * 11?" You say, "120." The teacher says, "Wrong!" You say, "How off was I?" The teacher says, "1."

Me rn: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WHERES THE RAGE TABLE or something like that.

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."

Baby: "Lmao, same"

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

Waitress: What can I get for you?

Me: I'll have a steak.

Waitress: How would you like it?

Me: Immediately!

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

What do me and an emo kid have in common:

We both like to hang.

Why is America bad at Clash of Clans?

Because they already lost two towers.