ME jokes

A skeleton walks into a bar and said it takes "backbone" to mess with me, and if you try to insult me, I have thick skin.

A guy walks up to me and says, "I wonder if the hookman is real?"

I reply saying, "Yeah, it's Asa Hutchinson, lol."

Me: "I came home laughing."

Parents: "What's wrong?"

Me: "The teacher asked everyone a question. Luckily, I was the only one who knew."

Parents: "Good for you, Johnny. What was the fantastic question your teacher gave everyone and only you knew?"

Me: "Well, it's kinda complicated, but here it goes."

Parents: "What is it?"

Me: "Who farted?"

I forgot what lightning was. Then it struck me.

I used to hate facial hair,

but then it grew on me.

- I think you're EGGcellent.

+ Wow... You really CRACK ME UP with that joke. I think you're a EGGxtraordinary comedian.

- Really? Are you done yet?.

+ Are you kidding? I have a DOZEN of them.

Me: Are you an orphan?

Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?

Me: ....ur parents.

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.

Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-

Me: Lower lips.

Friend: I gotta go.

I was baking a cake when I saw some egg shell in the mix. I said, "You've got to be yolking me!"

Can you see me?

My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe.

I had a friend named Mari. Sadly, she did drugs.

So one day I go up to her and say, “Mari-juana do this???” She later asked me to leave forever... I don’t gnome why, but... it CRACKed me up a bit!!!

I went to school and everyone was screaming and looking at me. They weren't after I shot them, though.

Don't you just want to go on a mass murder while listening to goodbye Moonman? Oh, just me... OK.

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

Me: So you two girls are from England?

Girls: Wales.

Me: Oh, I see, so you two whales are from England.

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"

I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!