ME jokes

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.

FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.

I've always wanted to WAVE to a dolphin, but it could never SEA me.

That dolphin is so WASHED up. WATER you say we get revenge?

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

(A tire as in clothes and the tire? U get it? No? I'm lonely. Add me on Xbox: DECIMUS PAX)

Me and my receding hairline? Believe me, we go way back.

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

I didn't like having long nails, but they're growing on me.

I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.

"Dumbest7" is my Xbox account. Hit me up.

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"

Evan, this is Mya, and your mom told me you were adopted, so we are done. Bye, don’t talk to me.

Yo, Rob, you forgot to pay me cause you sucky sucky my thang.

AKA, you're up for adoption.

Rob, you forgot to pay me for letting you sucky sucky on my thang.

AKA you're for sale.

"Send me back, I never liked you."

Evan, me and your mom are done with you.

Add me on Xbox Live: ironstriker1316.

I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."