Man

Man jokes

How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?

You pay the ice cream man to keep on driving. IDK.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”

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    • What is the difference between a detective company and a man with eyes on his butt?

    One has a private eye, and the other has eyed privates.

    A man walks into a bar, and there is a line of people waiting to punch him.

    Yeah, that was the punchline.

    Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”

    Man: “Am I dying?”

    Doctor: “No, your wife is.”

    Man goes to the doctor. He has a banana sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear, and a green bean sticking out of one nostril.

    "Doctor, I'm not feeling well," the man complains.

    "Well, it's no wonder," the doctor replies. "You're not eating right!"

    Yeah man! Life is wonderful! But, when you realize all of the ones you loved were fake.

    And when you die, does your online friends notice? How will they notice? Or will they ever notice? Is 13 age too young for dying? Am I just paranoid? I'm scared.

    HAIKU JOKE:

    Helen Keller could Fuck a blind man so hard that she Ends up with his child.

    Women say men are trash.

    Yet men made the phone, laptops, computer and electrical hardware she uses to say men are trash, never mind the electricity she uses to power those devices...

    Women be like I don't wear makeup for men.

    Then get mad when a man doesn't compliment her in her makeup!

    I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!

    What does a blind man and your dick have in common?

    They both can’t get up without a dog.

    Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose?

    They couldn't close the casket.

    Three men were lost in the desert and found a genie who granted each of them a wish.

    The 1st man wished he was home with his family. The 2nd man wished he was home with his family, and the 3rd man wished they were all back together again.

    Noose: "Hey man, wanna hang out?"

    Corpse: "Sorry man, I'm dead inside."

    My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.