There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.
Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!
Why does Michael Joseph Jackson love Boise?
Because of all the boys he'll see.
Asians love it when a British person says "Rice!"
My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.
Are you a white van? Because I would love to put children in you.
I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)
Bestfriend @3am: I love you.
Me: Love you too.
*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*
I don't know if this is funny.
BF: Babe, I have two questions.
GF: Ok, ask!
BF: Where have you been all my life?
GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?
BF: Can you please go back there?
I was walking till I saw a kid sitting on the street. I walked over there and said, "Where are your parents?" He cried even more.
Oh, I just love talking to orphans.
Q: Why do orphans love playing tennis?
A: Because the ball comes back.
Why did the orphan try to get hurt?
Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.
He looks around, no one is there.
Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.
I love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day!
What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?
My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.
Everybody loves guns!
Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, and the middle one is for you.
I'd love it if you killed yourself, but Hitler killed himself and people still hate him...
What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
