Lot jokes

Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.

Fart a lot.

Q: I'm a famous athlete and I've got a lot of fans.

A: Is that why I never see you sweat?

"I’m going through a lot of things right now," I said frustratedly to the person on the line as I crashed straight through the next building in my car.

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

I went to a handicapped comedy club, but all the jokes they told were special, and they didn't know a lot about stand-up at all.

Do you ever get that feeling where you're just going through a school parking lot, then you realize that there are no parking lots?

Dark jokes are like home. A lot of people don't get it.

You walk into a room, and there’s a lot of people waiting in line to punch you... Yeah, that’s the punchline.

"Popcorn" means "Photo-Oxidant formation by Plant-emitted Compounds and OH Radicals in Northeastern Germany."

"HO" means a woman, in particular one who has many casual sexual encounters or relationships. So basically, popcorn is a woman in plant based sex encountered a lot in a nazi camp.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered, "Y?"

Why did the fridge have lots of friends?

Cause it was COOL.

Yo mama so fat, she needs 500,000 calories a day to keep her fueled.

There's a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.

Today, I was at the Apple Store when I saw that a lot of phones were broken. When I looked around, I saw none other than Pristiano Penaldo smashing all the phones. He said he was mad because he ghosted vs a relegation team. Shame on you, Penaldo!

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

If you were a food, what would you be?

Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."

Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."

Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."

Bird on the beach: seagull.

Bird by the bay: bagel.

Bird down south Philly Walmart parking lot: illegal.

One would think Dracula would have a lot of friends. Unfortunately, no one likes him. He is a pain in the neck.

A lot of people get mad at me for my bad jokes. I always thought they were punderful.