Lose jokes

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

You can't be a loser if you have nothing to lose.

Why did Hitler lose the war?

Because Göring ate every last airplane, tank, artillery, ship, and ammunition!

If you bet on Russian roulette, even if you win, you still lose.

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.

My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.

Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.

Wy can't a dinosaw ror? Becase it losed it's voucal kord.

What's the difference between Stephen and a car? A car loses oil, Stephen loses the ability to walk.

Welcome to codi's pizzeria and abortion clinic; your loss is our sauce!

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

Want to hear a joke about a guy losing fingers?

Never mind, it’s too pointless.

Q: What's the hardest thing about losing your virginity?

A: Making sure she doesn't wake up.

My mama always told me, don't pick your nose or it will fall off! I thought she meant my nose.

Hey, give me a break! I'm a little shorthanded!

Oh no, not rock paper scissors again! I always lose. Come on guys, I just lost my finger a day ago! This is Tony, later on.

Why did the Red Sox lose?

They say, "Boo, Colorado Rockies."

A surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery.

boss: "We have to let you go."

surgeon: "I protest innocence."

boss: "How?"

surgeon: "I thought doing your job and saving people's lives were two different things."

boss: "Get out!"

How come lepers don't play cards?

Well, if they lose a couple of hands...

How did the British lose the War of 1812?

They were out-Britshed.

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

What do you say when a Spanish person loses a car?

Carlos.

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......