My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.
Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.
Wy can't a dinosaw ror? Becase it losed it's voucal kord.
What's the difference between Stephen and a car? A car loses oil, Stephen loses the ability to walk.
Welcome to codi's pizzeria and abortion clinic; your loss is our sauce!
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
Want to hear a joke about a guy losing fingers?
Never mind, it’s too pointless.
Q: What's the hardest thing about losing your virginity?
A: Making sure she doesn't wake up.
My mama always told me, don't pick your nose or it will fall off! I thought she meant my nose.
Hey, give me a break! I'm a little shorthanded!
Oh no, not rock paper scissors again! I always lose. Come on guys, I just lost my finger a day ago! This is Tony, later on.
Why did the Red Sox lose?
They say, "Boo, Colorado Rockies."
A surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery.
boss: "We have to let you go."
surgeon: "I protest innocence."
boss: "How?"
surgeon: "I thought doing your job and saving people's lives were two different things."
boss: "Get out!"
How come lepers don't play cards?
Well, if they lose a couple of hands...
How did the British lose the War of 1812?
They were out-Britshed.
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”
What do you say when a Spanish person loses a car?
Carlos.
I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?
What happens when water loses its bottom jaw?
It had a hurt o-chin (ocean)!
When you are losing at Tetris, I guess the odds are STACKED against you.
I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. Where do I lose my friends from Afghanistan?
In an explosion.
There is a ghost baseball game and one team loses because of one player so they start booing him!
