Living

Living jokes

Wizard

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

Queen

What's the difference between Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana?

Freddie lived long enough to be a Queen.

Rapist

In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.

  • 2
  • Memes

    Doctor

    Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"

    Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"

    Suicide

    What do you call an emo kid's suicide live stream?

    America's funniest home videos.

  • 2
  • American

    If you are American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?

    Euro-peein'.

    Living Room

    911, what's your emergency?

    Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

    Well, it's not a living room anymore.

    Me: Hangs up.

    Orphanage

    Remember kids, when you're angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they'll really be living the hard knock life.

    Suicide

    It's funny how teachers are supposed to educate new lives, but only teach certain kids how much they want to commit suicide and how many ways there are.

    Woman

    I like my women how I like my wine.

    Aged 9 years and lives in the basement.

    Titanic

    Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.

    Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!

    Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-

    Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!

    Dark Humor

    *Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

    Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

    Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

    Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

    Person 1: "...."

    Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

  • 3
  • Taliban

    If you ever feel useless... Just remember that if you ever feel useless... Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban.

    Shed

    My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

    Name

    Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

    Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

    Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"