Living Jokes

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

What's the difference between Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana?

Freddie lived long enough to be a Queen.

In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.

Your mama is so stupid, she bought tickets for Xbox Live.

Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"

Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"

Achievement get!

The image has the text "How Did We Get Here? Have every effect applied at the same time" at the top. Below this is a list of traits, social stances, and group affiliations of a person named Foxle. Some of these are mutually exclusive, e.g., "Born male, raised female". Some of the entries are "Vegan", "Trans pride", "BLM", "ACAB", "Feminist", "LGBTQIA+", "Hates men", "Stop AAPI Hate", "Bipolar", "Gamer", "#KillAllMen", "#CancelGyms", "#Depressed", "#JusticeForAmberHeard" and "ANTIFA Supersoldier".

Define abnormal life.

Waking up every day living a sane life!

What do you call an emo kid's suicide live stream?

America's funniest home videos.

If you are American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?

Euro-peein'.

911, what's your emergency?

Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

Well, it's not a living room anymore.

Me: Hangs up.

Why does Sally have 100 sisters? She lives in an orphanage.

Remember kids, when you're angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they'll really be living the hard knock life.

I like my women how I like my wine.

Aged 9 years and lives in the basement.

It's funny how teachers are supposed to educate new lives, but only teach certain kids how much they want to commit suicide and how many ways there are.

Blue: The ocean is a place where the creatures live.

Black: NIGHTMARES LIVE!

Blue: It has many pretty things and it will-

Black: KILL YA TO DEATH! Especially if you are on Titanic! So let that sink in. PUN INTENDED!

Kenny is living with his girlfriend now.

He just moved back in with his mom.

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that if you ever feel useless... Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban.