Like jokes

Walk into the club like, "Wow, I got a big penis!"

I would rather do my own laundry, not my uncle's laundry, because I ain't no damn butler like Alfred from Batman. I don't live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.

A guy walks into a bar, he's like, "What's your number, lad?" and the woman is like, "298-777-fatso.com" and he walked home depressed.

My pathological cheater of a sister wanted to play a board game with me.

I turned her down because I didn't like the Risk involved.

What is red and shaped like a bucket?

A red bucket.

Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.

So I made a parody for "Me, Myself, and I." It goes like this: "Me, Myself, and I, I'm gonna drink bleach until I die!"

Orphan: I want to be like Batman.

Orphan worker: You are already like him, honey.

Why do many New Yorkers like watching Spider-Man?

Because he’s always on the webcast.

I don't have any friends.

If you like this, I can be your friend :)

What do you call a group of letters that like to dance but make you want to poop?

A vowel movement.

A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an Englishman. He says things like,

"It's an elevator, not a lift!"

and

"It's a bathroom! Not 'washroom'!"

He keeps going on until the Englishman says,

"Hey wanker, it's a school, not a god damned shooting range."

Stephen Hawking went on a date last night.

She left after 15 minutes, complaining she didn't like his tone.

Do you know why I don't like stairs? They are always up to something. #dadjokes

My boyfriend is just like a sexy nerd and I still have to ask him things like that because I'm so distracted from him.

I told my friend that there was a tree. On that tree, there were four black chickens. I asked how many beaks do the chickens have. He said four.

Then I said there was a white cat. How many teeth does it have? He couldn't answer, so I said, "Looks like you know more about black cocks than white pussy."

Teacher: What do you kids want to be when you grow up?

Kid 1: I want to be a firefighter.

Kid 2: I want to be a police officer.

Kid 3: I want to be dead like both my parents.

Teacher: Ok, everyone pull out your books.

Kid 4: Are we going to ignore what he said?

Teacher: What do you want me to do? Call his parents?

Like a shooter says, "I put the fun in funeral!"

Women be like, "Don't body shame," then goes to body shame men's heights.

Women be like men cause wars, [but] forget men fight those wars while they fake cry.