Like jokes

Bread is like an orphan: plain and stale and no fam.

Think like a proton--stay positive!

What is red and shaped like a bucket?

A red bucket.

Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.

So I made a parody for "Me, Myself, and I." It goes like this: "Me, Myself, and I, I'm gonna drink bleach until I die!"

"You look like Barney, I'm choking you too, and your face is turning all purple and blue!"

I don't have any friends.

If you like this, I can be your friend :)

I was ridin' your mom like she was Mario Kart!

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.

My phone is just like the Twin Towers; they got put in airplane mode.

I ate a baby, it tasted like baby.

Your hairline be going up and down like a Formula 1 car!

There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date.

"That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he says.

I think I would like a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.

Why do all of Oliver Anthony's songs sound like "shit"?

Answer: Because he sucks!

You know what's crazy? Is that the low taper fade, like, meme, is still MASSIVE. Still MASSIVE. Like, I'm still seeing like, new ones, that I've never seen before, and they're getting millions of likes and millions of views.

How do you know you had a gay cookout?

All the hotdogs taste like ass.