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One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.
His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.
The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in her butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”
“That explains one black eye,” the wife says, “but what about the other?” The man explains, “I figured she must have liked her dress stuck up in her butt crack, so when she turned around I stuffed it back up there.”
How does a hillbilly mother know when her daughter is on her period? Her son’s dick tastes like blood.
The cheetah had a race with a lion, and the cheetah won.
The lion was like, "Why you always a cheetah?"
The cheetah was like, "Why you always lion (lying)?"
If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.
I'm like a rubber because people hit me as I can't feel.
What's the difference between an emo and a banana?
They both hang like apples.
Question:
Did you hear the one about MAGA people?
Answer:
It "sucks" just like they do!
Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.
Muslim furries like goats.
What category of music did JFK like?
You could say he was a metalhead.
My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.
1 like = 1 small dick whiny conservative in my blender.
Who's a rapper that likes to walk around naked?
Nudacris.
A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.
Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.
Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?
Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?
Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.
Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.
Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.
(5 seconds later)
Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!
Your mom is a transgender, your dad took a wrong turn just like his gender, your brother is just gay.
Why do orphans like fucking other dads?
Because they get to have a daddy.
What are four ways a condom is like a Republican elephant?
1. It stands for inflation.
2. It limits production.
3. It encourages cooperation.
4. It gives you a feeling of security even though you know you're being screwed.
Trying to make a baby talk is like trying to negotiate with North Korea.
Cancer is like a video game.
Some people cannot beat it.