Like jokes
Monkey: What ya doing?
Other monkey: Just you know, "hanging around."
Bad joke, right? I just can't think of something amazing. It's like my brain is "hanging."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Who.
Who who.
You sound like an owl.
The twin towers are like genders, there used to be two of them.
Fruit is like ex-wives.
They both look really good hanging from a tree.
My mom's name is Angel, and she is nothing like one!
Especially in bed...
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
Hey God, what are you making?
Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.
Sounds like a match made in heaven.
What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?
The “cold and passed out” kind.
Trying to make a baby talk is like trying to negotiate with North Korea.
Jasper likes little girls and Bin Laden.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, "I blew like 20 bucks in there!"
What do you get when a dog that is actually a Weeto is caught in an earthquake?
Just like a chocolate milkshake, only crunchy!
Q: Why do I like bone jokes so much?
A: Because they are humerus.
I like to eat mom's spaghetti. Now try it with the NEWWWW VEGETTIIII, turn any vegetable into pasta!
Yo mama like a penny: two-faced, worthless, and in everybody’s pants.
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?
He fingered A minor (get it, like the chord A minor)?
Miss Stephen likes kids like she likes wine: 15 years and in isolation.
Diabetic wives are like Cillit Bang. Squeeze them a bit and bang! The bed is gone.
A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"
Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"
Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."
Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".
He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"
Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."