Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.
I like men like I like money, always getting lost under my bed.
I'm like a rubber because people hit me as I can't feel.
I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Cuz he felt like it mind your f***ing business like damn.
What do cows like to watch? Moovies.
Why don't Jedi like their female relatives?
Because they are Sith-ters.
Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you can’t use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "It’s not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."
"You look like Barney, I'm choking you too, and your face is turning all purple and blue!"
A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”
I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!
This is a lot like anal sex.
You always miss 100% of the shots if you don't take it.
Do you like fish sticks?
If you do, you're a gay fish.
I like my women how I like my fridge.
In the kitchen.
Max Heart and his gay cousin Nickals Amoto say I back out of a fight. When he said let's fight, then last minute he said he doesn't want to, then says I chickened out. I [was] ready to fight, but his gut [was] swollen [and] his arms [were]. He actually looks like Humpty Dumpty, but [I] just wanted to say he backed out + Max and Nickals are both gay with each other.
I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"
I don't usually like to tell 9/11 jokes for two reasons: they're morally wrong, and they tend to crash and burn.
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.
FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
