I told my friend that there was a tree. On that tree, there were four black chickens. I asked how many beaks do the chickens have. He said four.
Then I said there was a white cat. How many teeth does it have? He couldn't answer, so I said, "Looks like you know more about black cocks than white pussy."
Your mama's like a cardboard box: open to the public and easy to nail.
Marriage is like buying a car. You see one that you like and then you buy it. But over the years, it gets older, rusty, and certain parts stop working.
Then you walk into a dealership and look at all the new ones and you're still stuck with the old one. You look over and go, "But I just wanna sit in it. Just once. It's even got leather interior, it's chrome, it doesn't even have oil or gas leaks! And it doesn't squeak!"
I think i would like a job cleaning mirrors, it's just something I could really see myself doing.
What would the world be like without women? A pain in the ass.
What do alien moms like to drink? Starbucks.
Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.
What color flowers do mama cats like to get?
Purrrrrrrple flowers.
What's it like to have the best daughter in the world? You'll have to ask grandma!
Why do Chinese people like playing Among Us?
It’s the only place they can vote!
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."
What does an 80-year-old woman taste like?
Depends.
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.
Wade, you're a joke. The worst joke.
Hoped this would be a safer, more fun place to talk to my BP friends, but I guess not.
I've also learned that some people think "worst jokes ever" = "terrible unfunny jokes that make light of people who died horribly or otherwise suffered" instead of things like "why did the chicken cross the road?"-type jokes.
Maybe I'm just too old at this point.
What do 15-year-old boys and washing machines have in common?
They both like keeping one sock for themselves.
