Like jokes
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Why do you like cream instead of bugs?
Because bugs can kill you.
why don't emos live alone?they like to hang with their freinds.
Yo, I feel like shit when you're around.
Funny jokes are like kids with autism.
They have special needs to make them.
My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.
No, they will be wondering what I look like.
Imagine if hitting the iceberg wasn't an accident and it was all just the sailors' fault like this:
Sailor 1: Hey Ron. Sailor 2: Yeah? Sailor 1: You see that iceberg over there? Sailor 2: Yeah. Sailor 1: You know what would be pretty funny?
I'll kill a bitch like the policeman did to that white woman. He chopped her up and put her in the woods, the suck fuck.
This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.
If your wife says: “What would you most like to do to my body?” “Identify it” is the wrong answer.
Bob, why are you kicking the kids?
What, it's not like they have a home to go to.
Women be like I don't wear makeup for men.
Then get mad when a man doesn't compliment her in her makeup!
Women be like, "Men's heights," then cry when they get called fat...
You look like the type of guy to wash his/her hands after a shower! (And don't write in the comments that there are more than 2 genders.)
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Boy: Hello, Mom, can I have $50?
Mom: Does it look like I am made of money?
Boy: That's what M.O.M. means, right?
Hey so I like orphan jokes, and some of them are fun, but I think that's engonp.
A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.