Life jokes
If life was like Pacific Rim, I'd say your mom's pussy was a category 5.
Your life? Wanna hear a sadder one?
My life.
How is sports like regular life for orphans?
They don't get picked for either.
Why can an orphan relate to a pack of bananas?
Because they both split away from their family.
Why can’t orphans date?
Because they have no one to call "daddy."
Life is like a game of chess.
I don’t know how to play chess.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way, it will never come for me.
It's funny how teachers are supposed to educate new lives, but only teach certain kids how much they want to commit suicide and how many ways there are.
Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?
I walked past an orphanage, the orphans started to call me names, and I said, "At least I have a family!"
Most orphans were born on the highway. It’s where most accidents [happen].
What makes a nuke and divorce the same?
It only takes one of each to end your life.
If you got a bowling ball and you stuck it on top of a sack of potatoes, what would you get?
A "retiree."
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
What happens when there's ten people in one house and they all have to shit and there's one bathroom?
It's a motherfucking shitshow party!
Shit, I’m never gonna try to commit suicide again. I almost died!
Orphan: Where are my parents?
God: New York City.
Orphan: But they used to live in China.
A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage. He replied, "Yes, I'm very happy. We go on date night every week." The other man asked, "When?" He goes on Wednesday and I go on Thursday.
Hey, Kenya, what is your favorite song?
"Lonely."
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.