Life jokes

Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?

I really hit the mother lode with you!

People always often say to someone who are thinking about suicide that's the easy way out. Don't give up! All I say is I'm not giving up, just I'm giving in, and does it really seem like it's the easiest way out? I don't think so, it's probably the hardest if you ask me, or I would have done it already, but someone's got to do it.

I want to die.

My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"

The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."

Sam is a kindergartener. One day, Sam’s teacher told him to learn the first few letters of the alphabet. Later that night, Sam asked his moody sister what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she replied with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...”.

Sam then went up to his room and found his brother crying on the floor. Sam asked him what the next letter was. “I hate you!” said Sam’s brother, so Sam left the room. Sam went to his mom and asked her what the third letter was. “You stupid f*****,” his mom yelled at him. So Sam went to ask his Grandpa what the fourth letter is, and his grandpa didn’t reply, so Sam went to bed.

The next day, Sam’s teacher called on him to tell the class what the first letter is, and he answered with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...” and the teacher sent him to the school counselor. As he left the room, he yelled at his teacher “I hate you!”

As Sam arrived at the counselor’s office, she said she had called his parents and they wanted him to be safe and locked up in a padded cell. “You stupid f*****,” Sam screamed as he heard the ambulance sirens getting nearer. As the ambulance drove away, Sam, in his straight jacket, was silent.

Vladimir Putin is probably a homophobe because he has to go through life with the name of a gay porn star.

What do you call a person with cancer?

A ghost with a body.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer. It never gets old.

I have a joke about death.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Think about it :)

"I've only been ripped off twice in my life. The first time was when I ordered three kebabs and they only delivered two. The second time was when we signed Cristiano Ronaldo."

-Al Nassr owner

I heard that the numbers on the front of your credit card represent the number of minutes until you meet the 💕 love of your life!💕

And the 3 numbers on the back represent the month and day you make it official!!

Comment those numbers to lock it in!!😄

A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage. He replied, "Yes, I'm very happy. We go on date night every week." The other man asked, "When?" He goes on Wednesday and I go on Thursday.

Want to know the difference between an orphan and a flower??

Flowers get picked.

Why is the last part of orphanage "age?"

Because it doesn't matter your age.

One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.

Me: "Hey, are your parents home?"

Orphan: "Stop calling here!"

Me in the corner.

What's the difference between an orphan and a baby?

The orphan gets back up.

What's a plus side to being an orphan?

Every bag of chips is family size. T - T

Why did the emo kid try [to] high five the tree?

So it can hang him.

Why do orphans not tell when they get hit?

Because who are they gonna tell, their mom?