(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes)

  1. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick

  2. I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.

  3. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

4.Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.

  1. Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

  2. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

  3. I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

  4. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

There is thin line between death and life !! You won’t live to see it …

The Cardiogram will !!

When I was a kid I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

Thankfully I’m still alive because I fail at everything in life.

What was the one word that could of save Princess Dianas life? Taxi

How do blondes play real life jenga? By stacking humans.

A cow went into a pride of lion’s territory?

Since that moment he knew his life was on stake

I went on a one in a life time vacation never again

I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck? I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born

Y’all wanna hear a joke… My life

Why was the Ethiopian baby crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.

A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, “her life.”

What does a phone and a grandma have incomen. They both die What’s the difference between them. If you shove something up your grandmas ass she wont come back to life

Nobody Literally nobody Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven

A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey’s F-king cooking show! Husband:STOP WATCHING THAT F-KING SHIT!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! WIFE: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN DON’T YOU!!!

A penis has a bad life his neighbor is asshole and his friend is pussy and his owner beats him


my love life

Josh:tell me something funny Mark:my life

How did Stephen hawking die He ran out of battery life