Left jokes
So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”
Why did Sally stay in school?
Because she has no arms, she can’t open the door, and the teacher left!
Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.
My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.
So did my friend on the right.
I had a dream of skiing.
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite meal? His left shoulder.
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg?
He's all right.
There are 5 cats on a boat, and 1 jumps off. How many are left?
Zero, they were copycats.
"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're." "You're who?" "You're parents left you."
My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.
A man saw a kid on the road, and the man asked: "Where are your parents?" The boy: "..." The man left the adoption center.
An emo girl walks up to a tree to give it a high five... the tree left her hanging.
What happened when the depressed person waved at a tree?
It left him hanging.
Why can’t you high five a Japanese person?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)
Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie!
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
John Cabot was the first to explore the Coast of Labrador. After he left, he realized that he had forgotten something and had to go back to get whatever it was. This made him the first Labrador Retriever.
I said, "Are you half left or half right?"
"Neither! In-between."
"What?! In between your mom's tits when you go to sleep with her at night?"
This guy walked into a pizzeria and ordered a water. The owner called him an idiot.
His girlfriend walked in and ordered a pineapple pizza.
The guy left her, and the owner made her leave.
What happened to the depressed kid who tried to high five a tree?
Answer: He was left there hanging.
Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son, Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old's shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old's belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he'd talked to his wife and daughters, and then asked if he could talk to his son alone.
"Look, I know your mom and the girls are all pregnant. I'm not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don't have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?"
"No, Pop, we haven't seen anyone since we left the city," his son told him earnestly. "And we sure haven't gone into town for supplies, I ran out of condoms on the second day here!"