I'll never forget my boss's last words: "We shall serve the best meat in our burgers!"
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.
The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.
A momma cow and three baby calves are on a farm. The first baby calf asks the momma cow, "Mom, why is my name Rose?"
The mom responded, "Well, you see, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."
The second one asks her, "Then why is my name Daisy?"
The mom chuckled and simply replied with, "When you were born, Daisy petals fell on your head."
The last one said, "DUH DUR SURH!"
The mom said, "SHUT UP, CINDER BLOCK!"
I still remember my grandpas last words Stop shaking the damn ladder
What do Marshall Tucker Band and Kobe Bryant have in common?
Their last big hit was "Fire on the Mountain."
I asked an orphan where his mom was. He started crying, so I said it again.
And well, that was my last day at the orphanage.
Last night I had a dream about fishing poles, turns out it wasn't reel!
What's the difference between a dad and an Emo?
They both don't last a while.
My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.
Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.
Battery 1%.
I take one last look at Earth as my suit runs out of power.
What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?
"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."
I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"
Kate ate food coloring last night. She said she was dying inside.
I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.
What was the last thing that went through the 9/11 jumpers heads?
Their ankles.
What was the last thing to go through the terrorist's mind? The detonator.
went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.
She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."
You guys, this is my last time publishing something here. You guys have been sending rude comments, and I need to work on my mental health. Goodbye.
