Last jokes
A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.
"My paternal uncle died three months ago."
"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My maternal uncle died two months ago."
"Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My father died last month."
"Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me his entire estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"
There are three states you don't mess with when trying to take over the United States:
Alaska because they have three times more guns than people because of the bears.
Texas because, well, it's Texas. Where else have all of the guns been going?
Lastly, Florida. Florida is the absolute definition of Trigger Happy Redneck.
What is the last thing you wanna see during a prostate exam?
The doctor taking off his watch.
What was the last thing that went through JFK's mind? A bullet.
My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!
The last number of your like is the Amogus you get.
1: Amogus trollface
2: Frogus
3: Amogus in 2013
4: Chogus
5: Classic Amogus
6: Wait this isn't Amogus
7: Amogus drip
8: Amog sus
9: Amog stuff
A rich girl is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through her head?
The helicopter blade!
If you think about it, then adoption is the last choice for getting a child, so those who are adopted were the last choice.
The other day while I was going down on my grandma, I thought I tasted a little horse semen and I got to wondering if maybe that’s what killed her!
What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?
My last if she knows what's good for her.
1: My grandpa died last year.
2: What kind of cancer?
1: He was hit by a bus! It's called bus cancer.
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Last night I had a dream of lead, but your mom won't let me tell you.
What did the helicopter say to the mountain?
Kobe.
This website is darker than the kid that got arrested last week.
Yo mama so fat, the last time she 90210 was on a scale.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
They say if Viagra lasts more than four hours, call the doctor? I’m just wondering, it’s been six hours and I’m still hard, should I call the doctor or hop on another woman?
I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"
And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"
And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.