Last Jokes

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, 'I can't breathe, I can't breathe !'

I just told him straight: 'Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes.'

Why don’t old people have sex

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old

Your hair is so far back you left it at your last address

Got a job at the library yesterday... It lasted fifteen minutes... Turns out books about women's rights don't belong in the fiction section

I know what you did with your mom last night, the orphan nah jit trippin you thought i had one

I will remember my biker buddies last words ̈Why did you cut in front of me ̈.

my battery lasted longer than your sad depressing life

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills." grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence." grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

In honor of Michael Jackson, Starbucks is introducing the Jackson Latte'. It's 50 year old coffee, with 8 year old cream. Get it while supplies last

What is the last thing that goes through a fly's head when it hits the windshield? It's butt.

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guys says "Well I've always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, Is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says "Well I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women. The genie thinks for a few moments and says "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

Last week I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a BALL. I wondered where it came from but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you Penaldo for almost killing me!

Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply "Nothing, nothing! we're just uh, making cake" and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothers girlfriend having sex and then asks him "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells "Get out! were making cake!" So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!" and she replies "OMG! Howd you know!?!?" and Johnny replies "Because, I licked the icing off the couch" ayyyyyy.

Your dick is so small it's the size of a tic tac. Oh, that's why your mom's breath was so fresh last night.

There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head?

A pentagon!

(9/11 joke)

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl a chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.

He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.

The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

I went for my routine check up last week and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?

Two boys are talking on the bus Boy 1: I feel like i'm forgetting something. Boy 2: hey did you hear about that school shooting last week? Boy 1: oh that's right