Last jokes

I will always remember my dad's last words....

"15 dollars and I'll jump."

Last week, I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a ball. I wondered where it came from, but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you, Penaldo, for almost killing me!

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

Q: What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love before he died?

A: “Holes gonna be big.”

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

Your hair is so far back, you left it at your last address.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I know what you did with your mom last night, the orphan. Nah, jit trippin', you thought I had one?

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

On a related note, I suck at darts.

Roses are red, violets are blue, the last time people got depressed ended World War II.

My battery lasted longer than your sad, depressing life.

What were the Fortnite kid's last words? "I didn't know pumps are back in the game!"

Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

Before Marriage Boy: At last, I can hardly wait! Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No, don't even think about it! Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course, always! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No, why are you asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you slap me? Boy: Hell nah, you crazy!! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yeah girl! Girl: Oh Honeyyy😍

After Marriage Now, read that from the bottom to the top.

What is the last thing that goes through a fly's head when it hits the windshield?

Its butt.