Last jokes

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.

I will always remember my dad's last words....

"15 dollars and I'll jump."

A lady walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs. The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea." The lady replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."

Last week, I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a ball. I wondered where it came from, but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you, Penaldo, for almost killing me!

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I know what you did with your mom last night, the orphan. Nah, jit trippin', you thought I had one?

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

Your hair is so far back, you left it at your last address.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

Why are people in Japan so thin?

Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.

What were the Fortnite kid's last words? "I didn't know pumps are back in the game!"

My battery lasted longer than your sad, depressing life.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

On a related note, I suck at darts.

Roses are red, violets are blue, the last time people got depressed ended World War II.