Last will jokes

Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.

Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.

Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."

Three men walk into a bar... you would have thought the last one would have ducked.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.

In honor of Michael Jackson, Starbucks is introducing the 'Jackson Latte'. It's 50 year old coffee, with 8 year old cream. Get it while supplies last.

I still remember my grandpa's last words, "Stop wobbling the ladder, you cunt!"

I will always remember my dad's last words....

"15 dollars and I'll jump."

A lady walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs. The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea." The lady replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."

Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long if you're fat.

Last week, I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a ball. I wondered where it came from, but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you, Penaldo, for almost killing me!

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?

Well, probably the person in front of them.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

I know what you did with your mom last night, the orphan. Nah, jit trippin', you thought I had one?

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.

Your hair is so far back, you left it at your last address.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Q: What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love before he died?

A: “Holes gonna be big.”