Last Will Jokes

Cremation:

My last hope for a smoking hot body.

Today is the day of 9/11, and we were in class making jokes, and somebody said, "That's sad." I was like, "Why?" And they said, "Today is the day the towers went down." I said, "Just like I did on your mum last night."

What were Stephen's last words? “Battery low.”

I slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.

Why are Japanese always so skinny?

Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.

A text message conversation. The first message says, "What's up?" The second says, "Dude, you're going to kill me. I was a little drunk last night and talking to your wife and I ended up banging her car in the driveway when I pulled out. I think I hit your daughter's bike too. I'll come fix it later, but please say sorry for me to your wife." The third message says, "Not delivered". The last message says "and your daughter".

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

What was the last thing going through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?

Their ankles.

There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.

A sign that broadcast television has less impact on the masses: The force-feeding of Kelly Clarkson on network television has yet to impact the large stacks of Kelly Clarkson CDs collecting dust in Goodwill, right next to those James Last LPs.

What was the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind?

The steering wheel.

What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?

"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."

I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!

Three men walk into a bar... you would have thought the last one would have ducked.

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.

I still remember my grandpa's last words, "Stop wobbling the ladder, you cunt!"

I'll never forget my Grandad's last words... "Son, where did you get a grenade from?!"

Before Marriage Boy: At last, I can hardly wait! Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No, don't even think about it! Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course, always! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No, why are you asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you slap me? Boy: Hell nah, you crazy!! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yeah girl! Girl: Oh Honeyyy😍

After Marriage Now, read that from the bottom to the top.

A lady walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs. The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea." The lady replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."