My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific, so I said,
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Your momma is so old she has been a waitress at the last supper.
Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.
Last night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.
Cremation:
My last hope for a smoking hot body.
Today is the day of 9/11, and we were in class making jokes, and somebody said, "That's sad." I was like, "Why?" And they said, "Today is the day the towers went down." I said, "Just like I did on your mum last night."
A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."
What were Stephen's last words? “Battery low.”
I slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.
Why are Japanese always so skinny?
Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.
So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.
What was the last thing going through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.
What was the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
Three men walk into a bar... you would have thought the last one would have ducked.
My brother caught Covid last month.
First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"
I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.
I still remember my grandpa's last words, "Stop wobbling the ladder, you cunt!"
