Language jokes

911, what's your emergency?

Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

Well, it's not a living room anymore.

Me: Hangs up.

Back in Australia, my puns are high koala-tea!

I'm friends with only 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

What did the doctor say to the Chinese patient? "Sum ting wong."

Be careful what you say around Indians, the red dot means they're recording.

What do you call 4 Mexicans stuck in quick sand?

Quatro Sinco.

Q: Why can't orphans be gay?

A: They have nobody to call daddy.

A German soldier is walking down the street during a hail storm when a lady suddenly falls over after being hit. He, along with a few others, walk over to her. One man asks, "What happened?" and the soldier replies, "Hail hit her."

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

What do you call a blind German?

A not see.

What's the difference between light and hard?

It's easy to get to sleep with a light on.

Saying I'm sorry and I apologize are basically the same thing... except at a funeral.

I heard a joke about candy bars, but it wasn't very funny, so I just snickered.

I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.

He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.

lowkey "discharge" is an ugly word. I prefer créme de la meow meow.

Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)

Caller: "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?"

Operator: "Yes, you can speak to me."

Caller: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!"

Operator: "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"

Caller: "I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent."

Operator: "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?"

Caller: "Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital."

Operator: "Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!"

Caller: "You are so rude! Who are you?"

Operator: "I'm Saw Lee (Sorry)."

Caller: "Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!"

What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

And that concludes your French oral. You can put your trousers back up, and I'll see you on Monday.

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.