Why do brides wear white?
So the match the kitchen appliances
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber." They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B" "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?" "I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her" replied Cobber. "Spot on" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples" "Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate" "No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper"
I'm like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside
Nobody Literally nobody Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven
I tried to make vegetable soup today, but the wheelchair didn't fit in the pot.
Hey Siri, where is my dad? Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas. HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen! Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas. ...WhAT-
you wanna know what's the difference between a girl and a refrigerator? "a refrigerator doesn't moan when I put my meat in it"
How can you tell when a cabbage is boiled? The wheelchair floats to the top
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. -- What a waste of thyme.
“what’s that on your wrist?” “im a cutting board. duh”
whats black nd white nd black nd white nd black nd white nd red nd black nd white nd white nd black nd red nd red nd black nd red nd white nd black nd red nd red nd red nd red? a penguin in a blender
*My mom trying to get me to do dishes*
Mom: I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes.
Me: Why did you?
Mom: I was very drunk...
Explains a lot...
Q: Why did the chef get fired? A: He took cooking advice from Hitler!
I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful
i told my mum the refrigerator was running so she got dressed and ran after it...
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
1 like = 1 more child in my fryer
If dust mites are found in dust, Bedbugs are found in beds where are cockroaches found in?
My mom asks "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK-"
Do one day i was sitting on my couch watching youtube when i heard a knock on the door. i opened the door and to my surprise it was my dad. i haven't seen him in 16 years, so i let him in. i noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge. then he walked towards me and said "Oh no! i forgot the cereal!" then he walked out the door and drove away. i never saw him again
