Kids jokes

One day I was saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, “Yeah, what gave me away?” I said, “His parents.”

Kid: Imagine being an orphan!

Parents: Look who's talking, not you 'cause you ain't got no one to talk to! *vanishes*

Kid: WAIT, WHAT!

I bullied a kid in a wheelchair. I told him to stand up for himself.

I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...

Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...

I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...

When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.

What's the most confusing day of the year for an illegitimate kid?

Father's Day.

Using Pi, distract that fat kid next to you and copy his answers.

Did you know the "f" in "orphan" stands for family?

Kid: There is no "f" in "orphan."

There is no family.

What's an orphan's least favorite day? Take your kid to work day.

Why can’t you trust an emo kid?

'Cause they always leave you hanging.

What famous book writer for kids loved insects?

Beatrix Potter.

One day I asked my mom where kids came from. She said the man who went to the milk store.

Five years later, he came back and left again.

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids won't eat the broccoli.

Prankster kid: Knock knock.

Neighbor: Who's there?

...

Kid 1: "It's a bird!"

Kid 2: "It's a plane!"

Me: "It's a terrorist!"

Three kids one day found a magic slide. There was a sign next to it that said, "Slide down and your wish will come true." The first kid slid down and wished for a chocolate river. He landed in a chocolate river.

When the 2nd kid slid down he wished for a bunch of money. He landed in a pile of money.

Finally, the 3rd kid slid down, and he said, "WEEEE!!!!!!"

So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.

Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."

What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?

Nothing because they can't open the gift.

How do you punish Helen Keller? You stick a toilet plunger in the toilet.

Why can't Helen Keller have kids? It went up too far.

In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.

Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."

One day little Jonny is in class. It is the second day back to school. The teacher is annoyed with the kids, so she goes to the front of the class and says, "If you think you are stupid, stand up." Little Jonny stood up.

The teacher asked him, "Why do you think you're stupid?" Little Jonny said, "I don't think I am stupid."

Then the teacher asked little Jonny why he stood up. Then little Jonny replied, "I just felt bad seeing you standing here alone."