Joke jokes

My cousin called me ugly.

Well, I'm pretty sure 90% of her looks could be wiped away with a Kleenex.

What weighs 70 pounds and doesn't like sex?

The 6-year-old in the trunk of my car.

Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead.

Let’s try and make this joke the most liked and commented on this website. (Ps, you may need to say it out loud to get it.)

I went to a zoo and there were no people and there was one dog. It was a shih tzu.

What did the lion say to the lion tamer? Nothing, because when the lion tamer whipped the lion, the lion killed him.

What's the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The face you make when you nail them.

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Cause it got stuck in the crack.

*If you don't get it, it got stuck in the butt crack.*

Warning: If you're planning to look here for jokes about the FOOD nuts, don't bother. It's filled with penis jokes.

What is the difference between a tree and walking home from a wheelchair?

What is the difference between a tree and a school?

A school is for kids, and a tree is for birds.

Two Australians walk into a bar. They run into the ceiling fan immediately.

What do condoms and whores have in common?

Answer: There is a lot that comes in every box.

Why do nuns go around in pairs?

So one nun makes sure the other nun doesn't get none!

What did the cow say to the other?

"Cheese!"

What did one bean say to the other bean?

How you bean?

Q: How many more chemo treatments did the cancer patient need?

A: Tumor.

What’s the hardest part of a vegetable? The wheelchair.

What do sperm say while just in?

"We need to go deeper."

Have you ever met a knight with a metanite at night?

Question: "You're-a-American" when you're not in the restroom and when you come out of the restroom. What are you when you're in the restroom?

Answer: European (You're-a-peein')