Joke jokes
Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.
Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible, but the reception was great!
Why do self-harmers "draw" on their arms?
Because everything they do is in vein.
Punchline: "Vain" sounds similar to "Vein".
The dick said to the ass, "this place is a shit hole."
The ass replied, "Yes, but you still keep coming."
What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?
The drone guy didn't know either.
Just came up with a smart new way to make jokes. Try to figure it out without context
What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?
I don't care if she has either.
When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."
What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?
They both hang...
The only time you see a depressed person lifted up is when they hang themselves.
It's not rape if you're both crying.
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?
A liar.
How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's not coming anyways.
What do you call a fish that smokes? "A puffer."
Me: I have lost it.
Random: Lost what?
Me: My will to live.
How do necrophiles get consent? A ouija board.