Joke jokes
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house? No, he hasn't either.
If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?
European.
What are you on your way to the bathroom?
Russian.
ok this isn't a joke but it's funny.
Roses are red, nuts are brown, Skirts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag, It's not what you think, it's a lipton tea bag.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
Who do you think is the fastest reader? Incorrect. It's 9/11. It went through 100 stories in 2 seconds.
Memes
What's the difference between a Catholic hospital and Michael Jackson's Children's Hospital?
No seriously, what is it?
Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.
What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.
Your hairline is so bad, the cops had to do a breathalyzer test on your barber.
What's Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?
A Double Manhattan.
What did the rapist say to his victim?
"Go ahead, call the police. We will see who comes first."
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
What made me laugh?
The fact that my life is a joke."
What do you call a train with bubble gum?
A chew chew train.
Oh man, I'm depressed.
What do you call depressed Sesame Street?
Emo's World.
Why aren’t orphan jokes funny?
The punchline isn’t apparent.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalottapuss.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.
What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
One's got hope in her soul, the other's got soap in her hole.