Joke jokes

How many fingers am I holding up?

Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.

How do we know that the ocean is friendly? It waves.

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

How many Trump supporters does it take to fix a lightbulb?

None, Trump says it is all done and they cheer in the dark.

What do you call a Muslim sleepover?

Osamas in Pajamas.

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

What is a gay person’s favorite book?

The dictionary.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jill fell down and Jack came tumbling down after.

(And you thought this would be a joke.)

Dark humor is like cancer, it's even funnier when children get it.

I usually don’t make school shooting jokes.

Because they’re aimed at a younger audience.

I tried to tell an orphan a knock-knock joke, but sadly, there was no door to knock on.

What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.

Flat Earther pickup line: "The Earth may be flat, but Uranus is round."

What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?

There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.

I'm so excited for Christmas Pudding... Pudding these nuts in your mouth.

My best friend got ligma. (Ah, did he? Sorry bro.) LIGMA BALLS!

What's the difference between an iPhone and an orphan?

One has a home.

What is Hitler's favorite food? A hindenburger.

Papa John's pizzeria and abortion clinic. You make 'em, we bake 'em.