Joke jokes
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Maybe if the grass on my front lawn had depression, It would cut itself.
These jokes are so dark that their life matters.
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
The NBA.
Fineman, Einstein, and Schrodinger walked into a bar.
Fineman says, "It appears we're inside a joke."
Einstein says, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously."
To which Schrodinger says, "If someone's looking through the window, I'm leaving!"
What is the best la?
A koa-la!
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso expresso.
JK, it's bleach.
What did Hitler feel about all the jokes about him? Führereous.
Funny jokes are like kids with autism.
They have special needs to make them.
Are you feeling down? Because I wanna feel you up.
Why do boys feel safer at Ronald McDonald's House than Neverland Ranch?
Ronald McDonald's doesn't put his meat between boys' buns.
What do you call a selfie that is taken by an orphan?
Answer: A family photo.
The convoy truckers are a joke.
What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?
A baby in a blender.
I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.
But I got seven Up.
They're not jokes, they're notes now, get me?
I am in trouble.
What do you call a deer that has no eyes?
No eye deer.
This is not even a joke, it's a serious question... Is eating ass considered cannibalism?
Two simple steps to get 15,000 people to follow you:
Step 1: Buy a bottle of water (doesn't matter the size).
Step 2: Run through Africa with that bottle of water.
Perfect! Now you got yourself half the population there following you!
The UK is a joke. I want to leave ASAP.