Jesus

Jesus Jokes

Christian

The second coming came and went. Jesus believed he was a Christian; therefore, he could never be himself.

Suicide

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

Movie

In the movie "Cars 2", there is a priest, which means car Jesus died for the sins of the cars.

Difference

What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

A painting only takes one nail to be hanged.

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  • Mother

    "Jesus can turn water into wine, but I can turn your mother into mine."

    - Sun Tzu, *The Art of Creating War*

    Door

    Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    Jesus.

    Jesus who?

    Jesus Christ, open the door!

    Tunnel

    Al Fayed’s son arrives at heaven’s gates and sees his driver.

    He shouts β€œyou stupid cunt!”

    The driver says, β€œWatch, Boss?”

    Dodi replies...:

    β€œI said I WANT TO FUCK DI IN THE TUNNEL NOT FUCKING DIE IN THE TUNNEL!”

    Priest

    What's the difference between a priest and a zit?

    A: One waits until you're twelve to cum on your face.

    Economy

    I am sure this was the type of economy Judas Iscariot was in when he betrayed Jesus.

    Hairline

    Your hairline is so far away that Jesus could've seen it when he was on the cross.

    Man

    A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"

    And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."

    Bff

    Jesus is the worst, just joking; he is the best! Best best BFF great guy ever that has a miracle. Jesus comes from Bethlehem! πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜‡