it's jokes
How do you stop a baby from crawling? Nail its hand to the floor.
Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."
What is the difference between an old chest and a kid? One doesn't cry when you drop it in the basement.
Why are we depressed? Is it because of that bully in your school, or because you have acne? How about when you listen to your sad song playlist? Maybe it's because you have no friends? Or is it the fact your anime girlfriend is fake? T^T
Suicide gives you security for the future.
Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.
A 10-year-old: "I don't want to smile without having a reason to. People shouldn't think I'm happy 24/7."
A 10-year-old, a week later: "Damn... my life is shitty..."
<2 years later> 12-year-old: "What is de-pre-ssion?" *googles it*
Now 14-year-old: "Oh..."
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.
Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom.
What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped.
What is red and goes 200 mph? A baby in a blender.
I know a good airplane joke, but it would probably go over your heads.
The twin towers: No, it won't.
Dream tweeted, and I quote, "Babies kick pregnant women all the time, but I do it one time and I’m the one arrested."
Did you hear about the cheetah who robbed a bank? He ran away so fast he almost got away with it, but he was spotted.
Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.
Why do orphans hate milk? Cause their family is still shopping for it!
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"
The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".
You know some of these jokes took me 9 minutes and 11 seconds to realize. When I did, it hit me like a plane.
Happiness is like food, not everyone gets it.
It's no surprise Donald Trump moved to Florida. That's where the oranges are.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.