it's jokes

What do you call a traffic light that tells you, "Don't look, I am changing!"

Why did the wall fall over?

A drunk driver hit it going 90mph and died.

A fat man was checking his weight and sucking in his fat belly. A physicist saw it and said that's not how the law of conservation of mass works.

Plot twist: The fat man jumped on the physicist and proved him wrong. Now the physicist doesn't have mass.

I gave the blind kid a gun and said it was a hair dryer.

I gave the blind kid a gun and said it was a hairdryer.

Why did the sun not go to college? Because it already has a million degrees!

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."

What does a frozen loading screen and a Make-A-Wish kid have in common?

They both couldn't make it all the way.

What did the orphan's mum say before she abandoned her child?

OH it's a bitch.

If you were to ask me, "Where would be the worst place to commit a crime?" I would say a multi-storey car park, because if you think about it, it would be wrong on so many levels.

Hey, what are those things on your arms? They look like cuts. Wait, what? No, it's just marker. Nothing else...

Son: Dad, I need a new butt.

Dad: Why, son?

Son: Because mine has a huge crack in it.

Hey Qwen, it's me.

Why can’t orphans go to McDonald’s? It’s a family company.

This isn't a joke, I repeat, this is not a joke. The plane in Lake Harriet is not in the lake. It is invisible because of the satellite pic, so there's no plane in Lake Harriet.

Jerry Garcia: I’m going on a TRIP today!

Bob Weir: Where are you going?

Jerry Garcia: I’m already on it. 😯🦄🌈

This morning, I was in the kitchen, and I saw a whole bunch of leftover brownies made from scratch. I just tasted one and spit it out because somebody put some goddamn weed in them, what the fuck!

My dad walked in on me having sex with a dog. She gasped and shouted at me, "Get out of here, it's my turn!"

That moment when you think the music is loud enough to fart and no one would notice, but then you realize that you have headphones on.

Why is Pluto a dwarf planet?

Because it looks like a g-nome.