it's jokes

It's funny how Stephen Hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking, but he can't do any of those things.

The radio is a player—it always gets turned on by lots of different people.

An Aussie, an Asian, and a Frenchman are in a bar.

The Asian throws his whiskey in the air and shoots it. The Frenchman asks, "Why did you do that?" The Asian says, "There are plenty of them where we come from."

The Frenchman throws his champagne in the air and shoots it. Then the Aussie asks, "Why did you do that?" The Frenchman replies, "There are plenty of them where we come from."

The Aussie then throws his beer up in the air and shoots the Asian. Then the Frenchman asked, "Why did you do that?" The Aussie then replies, "There are plenty of them where we come from."

When I go to bed, my mother comes in ten minutes later with a brick and beats me with it.

Teacher: Where's your homework?

Student: At home...

Teacher: What's it doing there?

Student: Having a better time than me.

I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.

I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."

Why did the bike fall over?

Because it was two tired.

Why did Sally not save the mountain climber?

Because it was her dad.

You know chords, right? Well, you know what I love to do? To play with A-minor. You know, feel your fingers on A-minor. Gives you a sense of power, to just F A-minor.

But that's not my favorite thing to fiddle with. That would be the D of minors. It's just solid, you know. If you're clever you can have the D of minors into the C of minors. Or, though a bit tricky, the D of minors into the B of minors.

And at this point you've gotten the point and if I want to continue it would be a bit of a stretch.

I'm doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled.

It's called "spastics on elastics."

I fucked a Pokemon the other day. It is dead now.

What is always moving but we never see it walk?

Time! Hahahaha!

Yo mama so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "To be continued."

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

Why does the nucleus feel trapped?

Because it’s inside a cell!

What do you call it when a person with Down syndrome gets friendzoned?

Chromozoned.

My son said, "What rhymes with orange?"

I said, "No, it doesn't!"

My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!

A very rich and famous comedian walked into a Russian bar and asked for a vodka, but the bar man (a big fan of his) answered to him: - "This vodka isn't good enough for you." - "If it is good enough for you it is good enough for me!"

How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?

4!

One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"