it's jokes

Why did Helen Keller ride a broken roller coaster?

She didn't see anything wrong with it.

Money means nothing to me. Ask me for it, you will get nothing.

Alzheimer's protesters march chanting. "What do we want? Better treatment... When do we want it? ...Want what?"

I asked my sister to get me a cup of fruit punch. I realized she was taking a bit so I walk to the kitchen and noticed that she spilled it on herself. I asked her, "How did you do that?" but there was no response.

An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.

Man: "Hey, cute lady!"

Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."

Man: "Not for long!"

And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.

Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"

Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."

Woman: "Never."

And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.

Man: "You look like a dream."

Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"

Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"

And then the man orders flowers and candy.

Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."

And the man shoots the bartender.

Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.

It's so sad that Stephen Hawking can't stand up for himself.

Three guys are stranded with cannibals on an island. The cannibals said, "Each one of you come back with 10 pieces of fruit and shove them up your butt showing no emotion." The first guy came back with 10 apples, and by the second one, he started to grunt, so he was killed and eaten.

The second one came back with cherries, and when he went to put the 10th one in, he started to laugh, so he was killed and eaten. The two guys met in heaven, and the first guy said, "Dude, you were so close. What happened?" The second one said, "I would have made it, but I saw the third guy come back with 10 pineapples!!" 😝😝🤣🤣

My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus 🚌. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: 😑 How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" 🙃 So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"

I have a daughter; she’s a fan. Her name is Penny. Fan she was born on the mountain Pen y Fan. I adopted her because her mum fell off the cliff after birthing Penny. It doesn’t matter, really; Penny’s mum wasn’t a big fan of her anyway.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a pornstar? One stops sucking when you smack it.

Your mamma's so stinky that perfume leaks where she puts it on.

What song does Saturn sing?

"If you like it then you should have put a ring on it."

What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, it just waved. I hate my life.

My jacket tore a little bit. It's a ripper.

It’s so sad how Stephen Hawking was just rolling too far away from the outlet. RIP :(

I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen!

What does this joke and half a deck of cards have in common? You can't even deal with it!

I was going to tell you a joke about a pencil, but now it is pointless.

Me: Have you seen the movie Constipation?

You: No.

Me: Because it hasn’t come out yet! ERMINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One day, there was an ugly barnacle. It was so ugly that everyone died. The end!