IT jokes
I ran over some crippled kids. I told [them] to walk it off!
What is something you can’t say in a superhero movie?
“Is it a bird, is it a plane, well whatever it is, it’s heading straight for the World Trade Center.”
Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.
If you want KFC, pour water on a poor person outside our restaurant and film it.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
God: You're gonna have 2 parents.
Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.
Why did the orphan get kicked off the baseball team?
He would never make it home base.
You know that at Walmart they have backpacks next to the guns? Well, I thought that it was nice to see the bags next to the school supplies.
How do you know it’s a gay guy’s birthday?
Depends how hard they blow out the candles.
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
There is an Afghan Barbie; it’s a blow-up doll.
Why do people hate abortion jokes?
It leaves you with an empty feeling inside.
Your ma is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.
It's in my basement.
Miscarriage jokes aren't funny, just cut it out.
How do you get a black girl to suck your meat?
Put barbecue sauce on it.
Yo mama so ugly, when I put her next to a naked mole rat, it said "bluetooth connected."
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.