IT jokes
A short person should never piss off a fat person taller than them. The fat person just has to lean slightly, and it's 9/11 all over again.
I'd love it if you killed yourself, but Hitler killed himself and people still hate him...
The Libertarian Party was founded in 1971, and the Libertarian Party has lost every presidential election since 1972, and according to the Libertarian Party the Libertarian Party is the only political party in the United States that is the party of principle. If the Libertarian Party is the party of principle then why hasn't the Libertarian Party won a presidential election since 1972?
Because it is politically motivated.
Why couldn't the chicken cross the road?
Because it was disabled.
What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?
It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!
Stop saying negative shit about dark humor jokes! If it bugs you that bad, then go away! That'll solve everything but world hunger and failed abortion.
Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"
Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"
Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."
Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".
He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"
Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."
Little Johnny was walking down an alley and saw a lamp. After he rubbed it, a genie came out and said, "You have 10 seconds to have one wish." Little Johnny says he wants to pee alcohol. The genie grants his wish. He tells his family, and his sister doesn't believe it. After having a drink, she says, "We should have this every night!" Little Johnny gets two cups every night, one for him and his sister. He does the same thing for four nights. Eventually, he ran out of cups and has one left. He gives it to himself, and his sister asks, "Where's my cup?" Little Johnny replied, "You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."
Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.
Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."
"Really?" asked a little girl.
"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."
Here is a jacket for my favorite Jew.
It says, "271032."
You want to hear a rape joke? Yeah. Damn you ruined it.
Q: What's the difference between a fetus and an onion?
A: One makes you cry when you chop it into pieces.
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
Do you know how to make 4 Albanians stand on a shoebox?
Just tell them that it floats.
How does Moses make his cup of tea?
He brews it.
Why does it take three women with PMS to screw in a lightbulb?
IT JUST DOES!!!!
When you're sitting in class and the quiet kid yells, "Lovely day, isn't it?" ... and you see a Glock shape in his pocket.
Friend: Wanna hear a joke?
Other Friend: Sure.
Friend: Pussy.
Other Friend: I don't get it.
Friend: And you never will.
I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.
What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a painting.