IT jokes
What is a little zombie's favorite stuffed animal?
It's a deady bear.
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.
He said it was the most violent book he ever read.
When the school shooter says, "Everybody get down!" and the autistic kid thinks it's Simon Says: 🙋♂️🙋♂️🙋♂️
What's the difference between saying "bloody" in America and in the U.K.?
In the U.K., it's a swear word.
In America, it's a family reunion.
Did you hear about the new P. Diddy meal in McDonald's? It's a 56-year-old meat inside a 12-year-old bun.
Why are the Twin Towers and genders so similar?
Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."
"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."
"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."
"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."
"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."
"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."
"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."
When a clock goes forward, it's tic-tac, but when Rommel goes backwards, it's tactic!
When you have sex with a coworker but remember it's a family business.
How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.
I love the smell of my F5 key. It's very refreshing.
Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
So who did it? the I.S.S. teacher said.
1 hour before:
So let me get...
Random person: Wait, what? You BROKE UP WITH HER!
Me: I SWEAR, JHONNY, THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION! SO... HERE... YOU... GO! *punches*
Your forehead is so big, it's a $20 taxi ride from your hairline to your eyebrows.
Sans: Zzzzzzzz.
Papyrus: SANS, WAKE UP!!
Sans: What is it, dude?
Papyrus: A human has fallen from the surface world!
Sans: And you gotta BONE to pick with 'em??
Covid said to stay 6 feet... I didn't think Kobe meant it literally.
Feminists think men hate them. MEN HATE FEMINIST KARENS. We already have equal rights. It wasn't always like that, but that was in the past. So, fuck feminists.
(Like if you hate feminists.)
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
How do you make a baby astronaut sleep?
You rock-it!