Irony Jokes

It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.

Teacher: "You can't be here after school without a parent!"

Orphan: -no response-

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism.

My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."

When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

Brass Mcknuckles.

A hand is holding a pair of golden brass knuckles in the shape of the McDonald's arches. Below the image is a text: "they're going to be mcfreakin sorry now".

What made me laugh?

The fact that my life is a joke."

I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.

Me: spreading positivity.

Everyone else at the HIV testing center.

Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she.

My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.

When you’re hiding from the school shooter next to people who made fun of you for having an Android: “HEY SIRI”

Everything I fall in love with leaves me. Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.

I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.

My grandfather said we rely on technology too much, so I unplugged his life support. Luckily, I remember his last words: "You little bastard!"

I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.