Irony jokes

It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.

Teacher: "You can't be here after school without a parent!"

Orphan: -no response-

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism.

My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."

When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

What made me laugh?

The fact that my life is a joke."

I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.

Me: spreading positivity.

Everyone else at the HIV testing center.

Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she.

My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.

When you’re hiding from the school shooter next to people who made fun of you for having an Android: “HEY SIRI”

Everything I fall in love with leaves me. Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.

I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.

My grandfather said we rely on technology too much, so I unplugged his life support. Luckily, I remember his last words: "You little bastard!"

I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.

I'm funny but sad, I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.

What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding, he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

What do you call a depressed person holding a knife?

Freedom yay! (so funny ikr)

Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...