Irony jokes

What movie does an orphan want for Christmas? "Spiderman: Homecoming";)

My grandfather said we rely on technology too much, so I unplugged his life support. Luckily, I remember his last words: "You little bastard!"

Man, choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

I ran over an emo yesterday? I wanted to let him see pitch black.

I threw a lamp at an emo? I tried to lighten up his day.

FIRST DATE

Man: "I work with animals every day." Woman: "Oh, how sweet! What is it that you do?" Man: "I'm a butcher..."

I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.

My father said I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.

Me: But they're not that long.

My girlfriend's last words:

"I can’t wait to become a mom!"

Kurt Cobain didn't mean to kill himself. He was just so high he thought the shotgun was a bong.

His lyrics are so ironic but so true. "I'm not coming back". "I swear I don't have a gun."

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

I heard a joke about heavy metal earlier. It was pretty ironic.

Say no to drugs, kids. Suddenly, the poster disappeared. I hallucinated. Must have been the cocaine.

I saw a beautiful homeless girl and asked if I could take her out on a date. She politely accepted and enjoyed herself. Soon after, I asked if I could take her home, she smiled and nodded her head. Her smile disappeared when she saw me running away with her cardboard box.

A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."

I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.

Tbh they really left me hanging there.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store.

I said to him: "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."

I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"